How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains
by Gulo The Cabbage
Summary: A whole lot of ways to make your favorite Redwall heroes get bloodwrath
1. Martin

How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains

I got the idea to write this from storiewriters "To annoy the Villains". Sigh* I can only hope to attain the proficiency she has for annoying Redwall villains… Thanks to her cause she gave me permission to write this. (it was on a different account but doesen't really make a difference)

BTW did anyone get the reference in the title of the story? It's pretty obscure…If you did, review and tell me, and you'll get a free box of popcorn shrimp! (seems like a lot of authors are giving those out these days…)

Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall. I don't even own a red brick wall. My house is made of wood.

WARNING: TO ALL OF YOU VILLAINS OUT THERE *COUGHTSARMINACOUGH* DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE STUNTS MENTIONED BELOW ON ANY OF THE HEROES BELOW. IF YOU ARE FOOLHARDY ENOUGH TO TRY THEM, YOU ARE LIABLE TO BE ATTACKED BY A HORDE OF REDWALLERS CARRYING PEPPER BOMBS, WINDOW POLES, AND FRYING PANS!

We will start with everyone's favorite hero, Martin the Warrior!

1. Steal his sword.

2. Dangle his sword just out of reach and as he jumps to reach it, hold it up even higher and tell him he is a "cute little mousie". Avoid his patented shin-kick move though.

5. Melt his sword, and pour it into the ocean,

6. Defeat him in combat!! (as long as I'm dreaming here, I'd like a time machine.)

7. Prevent him from giving advice, riddles, in dreams to the Abbey Champion, block his visions, and tell him Redwall is falling to an army of Badrangs and Tsarminas.

8. Really take over his abbey with an army of Badrangs and Tsarminas!

9. Keep him locked in a cage with a bunch of pygmy shrew babes.

10. Make him jealous by owning a sword made out of a blue giant star.(instead of his unspecified sword)

11. Make a voodoo doll of him, and tickle it whenever he tries to speak.

12. Make a voodoo doll of him and have it fight Cluny the Scourge.

12. Tear his tapestry to shreds before his eyes. Then, while he is crying in anguish about the lost tapestry, pull another one out of your back pocket and yell "fooled ya!" Just when he has realized that you tore a fake tapestry into shreds and starts laughing, tear that tapestry up too. Keep up the cycle until you get bored of watching "The Mood Swings of Martin the Warrior."

13. Tie him up, and make him listen to the Barney theme song for 16 hours.

14. Tie him to a pole in a rainstorm.

15. Nevermind, forget Barney. Make him listen to G.N.O by Miley Cyrus. (Brrrr…..the song is hideous. Her other stuffs not bad though.)

16. Snap his indestructible sword. To add insult to injury, do it with a with a rusty corsair cutlass.

17. Tie him to a chair and gag him on Redwalls Next Top Model".

Okay people, that's it! Please Review. And if you have any ideas for other heroes to torment, plz tell me in a review or pm! Also tell me which one you liked best!

Sweet and Sour chicken to first reviewer!

If you are a vegetarian, sweet and sour tofu! Or a bean burrito. Thosse are real good too.

READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!


	2. Gonff, Prince of Mousethieves

Chapter 2

Gonff the Mousethief

Thanks to all who reviewed the first chapter!

Greetings, readers, and welcome to another installment of How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains!

Today's hero to subject to torment is the well known Gonff the Mousethief. He has sportingly agreed to be featured in this chapter…..

Gonff: Hey! I never agreed! You just tied me to this chair and sat at the other side of the room nodding and smirking evilly!

Author: That was necessary Gonff! I had to have visual stimulus to help me write this!

Gonff: But you lured me here saying there was a pie-stealing contest!

Author: Use your head! Have you ever heard of a pie-stealing contest??

Gonff: Uhhh…no….

Author: Anyway, now all I need to do now is perform few experiments on you, for the fic ……

Gonff: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Martin, save me!!!

(enters Martin, swinging his sword)

Martin: How dare you imprison the prince of mousethieves!!!??

Author: Ah, Martin, How lovely to see you here! I never got to test my Chapter 1 annoyances on you, but here you are now in the flesh! Now, would you please step into this cage here? These Pygmy Shrew babes really want to play with you! We could even put on some fun music while you play ( turns on G.N.O.)

Martin: (takes one look and runs screaming, "Gonff yer on your own !!!!")

Author: Now Gonff, where were we? O yeah, I was about to do some experimenting…

Gonff: Please, have mercy!!!

Author: Sigh* Okay Gonff, would 2 cherry pies, a wedge of cheese, and a flagon of fresh October ale change you mind?

Gonff: Maybe if you just added 1 more cherry pie…

Author: Done.

Gonff: And one loaf of crusty bread…..

Author: Ok…….

Gonff: And just a wee barrel of strawberry corjul….

Author: Ok, that's it!! It's time!

Disclaimer: I don't Own Redwall. Or a red brick wall. Just a red painted wall in the house.

WARNING: TO ALL OF YOU VILLAINS OUT THERE *COUGHTSARMINACOUGH* DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE STUNTS MENTIONED BELOW ON ANY OF THE HEROES BELOW. IF YOU ARE FOOLHARDY ENOUGH TO TRY THEM, YOU ARE LIABLE TO BE ATTACKED BY A HORDE OF REDWALLERS CARRYING PEPPER BOMBS, WINDOW POLES, AND FRYING PANS! IN ADDITION TO THIS, SINCE THIS CHAPTERS FEATURES GONFF, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED BY SEVERAL TRAINED WARRIORS SWINGING GIGANTIC SWORDS!

1. Steal anything that he intends to steal.

2. Once he has stuffed a bag full of stolen goodies from Kotir, and is bragging to all the woodlanders and to Columbine how he stole from under the noses of the guards of Kotir, steal the goodies out of his bag, and put Ferdy and Coggs in it instead.

3. Trap him and Columbine in a cell with an extremely complicated lock on the door.

4. Give the crab he was dancing with a functional brain.

5. Tell him he is never allowed to say the word "matey" again.

6. Give him the flagon of October Ale mentioned earlier in this chapter but instead fill the flagon with hotroot soup. (extra spicy)

7. Invite him to a nonexistent pie-stealing contest.

8. Play the drumbeat of "Yankee Doodle" on his overlarge belly.

9. Openly declare that Gonff is not the Prince of Mousethieves.

9.99. Tell Columbine that the crab Gonff was dancing with was a very pretty lady crab.

10. Introduce him to Bane the fox. (sorry, I drew a blank)

11. As his doctor, inform him that unless he stops stealing pies, he is going to have a heart attack.

12. Grasp you right foot in your left hand, hop on one leg, flare your nostrils, turn on "Grays Anatomy", eat pizza with your remaining hand, and sing " sing a song of six pence a pocket full of rye! 4 and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie! Gonff can't watch T.V. and I begin to sing!, but I ain't got no dandy gift to set before no king!!!!!", while hopping in front of the television set. (Note: This conclusion was reached through experimentation.)

13. Tell him that Gonflet has given up his unruly ways, and is now an advocate of non-stealing.

14. Introduce Redwall to anti-theft devices.

15. Have the Prince of Ratthieves steal Gonff's whiskers.

Well there it is! PLease review, It helps build my Rotund ego which in turn helps me write better and faster, which in turn helps u readers.

Cause seriously folks. Im getting a 14% review rate. Too many hits to few reviews. So please: Donate a review to a good cause.

And allow 4-6 days for delivery of your bean burrito. If you review, that is.


	3. Tamm and Doogy

Chapter 3

Rakkety Tam & Wild Doogy Plum

Greetings, readers to another graphic installment of How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains! Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter.

Also, thanks to Kelaiah for pre-reading this chapter and adding giving me a few useful suggestions. :)

Today we will examine the famous Raketty Tam Macburl, accompanied by Wild Doogy Plumm!

Tam: Aw…thank you for having us Mr. Author, but I am Rakkety Tamm Macburl. I am what you call "unannoyable". (notice Author has ditched accents which require too much effort to type. I leave the accents to Awesomewriter.)

Doogy: Yup I'm sure we will have a jolly good time! After all, I have my bally claymore by my side! (notice Author has filled in Scottish accent with cheap, easy to write, British accent.)

Author: We will see about how good a time you have boys…

Tam: _Your_ claymore?? That claymore is still mine! You're just borrowing it! Indefinitely!

Doogy: Silence, wee Tam. You have that bonny braw tree-slicer now. You dinnae need nae dinky wee claymore. (notice exaggerated, lamely done, accent.

Tam: It has sentimental value!

Doogy: Aww, Tam…..I know the only reason you want it back is so you can sell it on ebay. I hear the price for claymores signed by squirrels is sky-igh!

Tam: I do not want to do that! How dare you, Doogy!

Doogy: Well, Tam, I know a thing or two. Lahk I know the fact that you want that hair-regrowth treatment on that bald spot ye have...

Tam: ARGH! HOW DID YOU FIND OUT???

Doogy: Well, ah just noticed it one day, when ya took off that cap of yours….I asked Brother Andrew if he knew any cures for baldness….he said he'd ask Brother Hubert, who said he'd ask Sister Chloe…..

Tam: So that's why everyone in the abbey is pointing at me and giggling! I'm gonna get you Doogy Plumm!

(Doogy and Tam begin wrestling - obviously forgetting that their swords arenearby, but then again I suppose that since they are friends they don't want  
to take the chance of killing each other)

Tam: Take that, fatty!

Doogy: Oooh…fatty it is? Oh yeah, take that, baldy!

( Tam and doogy wrestle while Author video-tapes it)

Eventually they get bored of it and call a truce, after which they calmly sit back down in their chairs.)

Author: Ok men, time for the annoyances….

Sister Armel: Mr. Author! How can you be so mean? Luring my Tamtams into this horrid story! Take Doogy if you will, but leave Tam out of this!

Author: But Sister Armel, Tam came here of his own accord. See, I haven't even tied him down!

Armel: But you said he was going to have an adventure and some new experiences!

Author: So he is.

Armel: Tam, is this really what you want?

Tam: Yeah! It's soooooo boring helping you in the infirmary….

Armel: WHAT DID YOU SAY???

Tam: Ummmm….I love you?

Armel: That's it Tam! No cheese and onion trifle for you today!

Tam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Author: Cheer up Tam! I stole back the food I made for Gonff yesterday, you can have that!

Tam: (grumbles) Fine. Alright, bye, honey! See you later!

Armel: Ok Tam. But don't expect me to patch you up after this is over.

Author: Don't worry about that. My program leaves mostly emotional scars…..

1. Steal Tams kilt.

2. Tell him that he got lucky, and the only reason someone as puny as him was able to defeat Gulo the Savage was because of pure luck.

3. Make Tam and Doogy slaves of crown prince Roopert.

3.14159. Tell Tam that Melanda Macburl and Crown Prince Roopert have fallen in love and run off.

4. Tell Doogy he is corpulent, obeses, rotund , portly, pudgy, wide, chunky potbellied, heavyset, and flabby, and that his mile time would be somewhere around 20 minutes.

5. Have Tam and Doogy baby-sit Prince Roopert.

6: Give Tam a pill which makes him even fatter than Doogy. Then line them up and, along with Gonff's belly, play a cool drumbeat on all three of their bellies. (formore resonance and more reverberation ., hit Tamm's Ginormous belly. For a steady _thump _hit Doogy's. And for accompanying beat play Gonff's belly.

7. Have Yoofus Lightpaw steal their belongings.

8. Make _Rakkety Tamm _action figures, including Gulo,Tam, Armel, Doogy, and a variety of white vermin and woodlanders. Then play noisily on the ramparts with them and always end your battle scnes by having Gulo boot Tam and Doogy off the sure Tamm and Doogy watch this. This should make their blood boil.

9. If it doesen't make their blood boil, you can always do it manually….

10. Make Tamm fight Gulo in hand-to-hand combat. (Hey, I said my program leaves _mostly _emotional scars…)

11. Poke either of them in the eye.

12. Tell Tamm that the price of claymores signed by squirrels fell way down ever since Triss started selling them cheap. ( he'll really be sad to hear this one. He's been having Yoofus steal claymores for him for years. Then he signs them, and sells them for a hefty price.)

13. Tell them that squirrels are........uh.......wimpy!

15.. Put him back in servitude of the royal squirrel family.

Gawd, I quit! Tamm and Doogy are too hard!

Doogy: Ye hear that Tamm? The Author is confounded! We are unannoyable!!

Tamm: Ooh….speak for yourself…You didn't have to fight Gulo the Savage.

I know, this chapter wasn't as good as the previous ones, but tell me what you think of it anyway.

I'm aiming for 10 reviews this chapter. Plz, plz review! I'm begging you on folded knees!

Tamm: Yeah, so am I! The Author says if he doesen't get at least ten more reviews, he's gonna set Gulo on me again! So please, for the sake of this cute, adorable squirrel, REVIEW!

Author: Thank you Tamm.

Tamm: I'm saving my own skin here...

P.S. It'd be cool if the guy from New Zealand who is reading this would review. And the guy from Sweden.


	4. Badger Lords

Chapter Four

Badgers

HI people. Let's skip any formal welcome here. I'm bored of saying "welcome readers, blablahblah.

Anyway…..Welcome…future reviewers of this story, to the 4th episode of the graphic, How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains. Today, badgers will be our subject of inquiry. I would have done them singularly, but then the chapter would have been too short. I had a quite a bit of trouble corralling these badgers you see before me, but I had some help from a couple of friends. Meet Wurgg the Spinecracker over here,(points to gigantic weasel with huge muscles) and over there is Gulo the Savage. (points at giant, sharp-toothed wolverine). Anyway, I….

Boar the Fighter: (has chewed through his gag) This is the work of that horrible Ripfang! Rally to me hares!

Lord Brocktree: No Boar. We have just been captured for the cruel enjoyment of the frenzied crowd.

Sunflash the Mace: Man, that weasels freakishly strong, dude!

Creega: I wanted to come. Someone told me Damug Warfang would be here.

Damug Warfang: Here I am!!

(Creega strains furiously at bonds)

Damug: In actual size too! Brian Jacques said that I was a Greatrat, and Greatrats are twice the size of normal rats! So I ain't afraid of you no more.

Creega: Scum! I will take you on no matter what size you are!!!

(some stereotypical mouse Abbot walks in)

Abbot: It doesen't matter what size you are, Damug my son. For good will always defeat evil, and Redwall's doors will always be open to any kind creatures, and hares will always eat a lot, and strawberry cordial will always taste good, and serpents will always be scary, and friars will always be fat, and…..

Everyone: WE GET IT!

Author: Anyway, as I was saying before Boar interrupted me—

Ripfang: HA Boar! I might've gone to 'ellgates, but I took yer wit' me! Haharr!

Boar: Ripfang! I'm gonna spike ye on me war helmet!

Ripfang: Fat chance, pig! Heehee, get it? Boar, pig. A Boar is a wild male pig. Get it? Pig? Haharr!

Author: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..

Author: yeah, sure, whatever.

(Russano walks is)

Russano: Is this the wisdom convention? I got a letter in the mail saying that this was a wisdom convention.

Brocktree: Run, Russano! Run like Wurgg the Spinecracker and Gulo the Savage are chasing you!

Russano: Huh?

(suddenly, Russano is grabbed by Wurgg the spinecracker, tossed into a chair, and tied up by a leering Gulo)

Author: Thanks guys!

Damug and Ripfang: We are still here ya know!

Author: Not for long. Wurgg!

(the spinecracker lifts the weasels, one in each paw, and throws them out the window)

Author: again, thanks!

Gulo: Mr. Author guy, can I fight one of the badgers? I like fighting!

Author: No, Gulo. Why don't you go watch Wrestling in the other room for a while, ok?

Gulo: GO UNDERTAKER!!! WOOT!

(Gulo sprints into other room, followed by Wurgg, who doesen't speak and is thus incapable of saying "Go Triple H!")

Sunflash: How come Swartt Sixclaw and Ungatt Trunn didn't come to taunt us? Is it because their hate at us isn't strong enough to draw them here? Cause me and Brocktree are inferior heroes? Who don't inspire limitless hate in their enemies??????

Ungatt Trunn: No, we just wanted to watch from the wings and wait for Wurgg and Gulo to leave the room so we don't get kicked out the window like those 2 bozos, Damug, and Ripfang.

Swartt: Yeah, we are smart that way. I forget, why did I come here again? Oh yeah…SUNFLASH YOU STUPID BADGER!! COME OVER HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

Sunflash: But I'm all tied to this chair!

Swartt: Duh. That's why I'm challenging you! And I'm doing it to impress bluefen.

Ungatt Trunn: I'm here to kill Brocktree. I mean, I'm a wildcat, come on! Yer a stupid badger, you should be wiping my boots!

Brocktree: Say that again, scum, and I'll be wiping yore boots with your tongue!

Ungatt: Yeah sure, but for now, yer bound to a chair, so I can say whatever I want, savvy?

Brocktree: Sigh* Yeah I know.

(sounds of huge crashes from the other room)

Author: What's going on???!!!

(Wurgg and Gulo roll into the room, wrestling.)t

Gulo: He said that the Great Khali could kick the Undertaker's butt!

(Wurgg makes some peculiar and motions and appears to be bodyslamming an invisible enemy)

Creega: Oh yeah? Well John Cena could kick _both _of their butts!

Gulo: You're just saying that cause you think he's hot!

Creega: Noooooooo……..

Sunflash: Well, I personally prefer Vladimir Kozlov….

Brocktree: Him? Big Show is the _real_ man!

Sunflash: Big Show? HA! He's just a big fatty! Maybe you can relate to him, that's why you like him…..

Brocktree: Be careful what you say to yore granddad, boy!

Author: Why are we talking about wrestling here? I'm supposed to annoy people!

Ungatt Trunn: Yer doing that.

Author: Shaddup.

Author: Enough chit chat! It starts now!!

Disclaimre: I don't own Brian Jacques or redwall. If I did, I'd be rich and famous.

Subject A: Creega Rose Eyes

1. When she is in a bad mood, tell her that her eyes look bloodshot, and that she should lay off the drinks before battle. Oh yeah, and then tell her to go take a nap.

2. Tell her she has man-hands or something like that.

3. Tell her she has an obsessive disorder with hunting Damug Warfang, and that she should settle down and marry.

4. Tell her that John Cena is a weakling.

5. Ask her if she wants a psychiatrist to help her with her anger management issues.

Boar the Fighter:

1. When he is sleeping, sneak up on him, and yell "RIPFANG!" in his ear.

Then run.

2. Tell him he is part of the mustelid family, and is thus Ripfang's second cousin.

3. Call him an ole'granpa.

4. Steal his sword?

5. Make a exact copy of his sword Verminfate out of lead, and put it in the original swords place. Then when he can't lift the sword, tell him he must be getting old.

Russano the Wise:

1. Tell him he has a stupid weapon.

2. Say "If you were so smart, Russano, you wouldn't have been here!

3. Tell him he needs to get the bloodwrath soon or he'll die with a disease called badgernowrathitis".

4. Tell him that e isn't pronouncing "eulalia" correctly, and that he is stressing the "E" too much. This should worry him sick.

Sunflash the Mace:

1. Shave off his blond hair.

2. Change his name to Scumtripe.

3. Give him an exploding club for his birthday.

Lord Brocktree:

1. Tie him up, and have Dotti sing to him all day long.

Gorath the Flame:

1. Tell him that the scab on his head looks hideous.

2. Say that his weapon is useless, the only weapon lamer than it is Russano's stick, and that it would never be useable in battle anywhere except in fiction.

3. Send him scary dreams in which Vizka Longtooth menaces him with a whirling mace.

There it is! I would have added more badgers, but there isn't that much material about them.

I need at least 12 reviews to fill up my ego bar in order for me to post the next chapter. so that means that the review number has to hit 37.

REDA AND REVIEW.


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